What a HUGE coupe of weeks I have had. Between going back to work and being a finacée and a Mum.... things are busy, busy, busy.

Last night after a hard days at the office (aka wacky year 1 classroom) I came home and had a spack attack, made some dinner, watched a movie then went to bed. On the way through, I decided to stop and riffle through my old suitcase... I found 3 books... The first was my 16th birthday book, another was my people pages photo album from high school and the last was my personal writing book from like 14 or so. I sat in bed and reaad through my 16th book and cried at nearly every page. My friends at the time wrte such lovely things about me... I can't believe I was so highly thought of. I really need to keep that book out... Because the things that were written in there were enough to make me want to change.... in a good way.

I read through my personal writing book and cried too... I had written a letter to my Dad (Tongia) about how I felt about his death and how much I missed him... It was sooo emotional. I also read about my friend Jamie... who hung himself at 13.

It got me to thinking and remembering those days and times. Back then, everything was so complicated... Keeping friends, finding boyfriends/girlfriends, trying to make yourself know in the world, looking towards the future, deciding on what to do after school... Sooo much to think about and wonder about. But when I look back now, thos days seemed to last forever... Oh wait.... no, that's a song... Ok, back on track... Seriously, when I look back now, those days were the best.... so fun, footloose and fancy free... I didn't give a shit about much back then... Only my friends and family.. I was so happy go lucky and everythings just seemed to work the way it should... Really, the photos say it all. Though there were many stressful and emotional moments, but in hind sight, those woes were nothing compared to the woes of today... I guess it will always be like that... or will it?

Now that the future has arrived, I find myself stressing still, but in different ways and for different things. The family, job, house etc.. that I dreamed of back then, is all here now and happening... It's amazing. I looked at photos of myself growing up... and the changes over the years were really something... From the way I look, to the way I dress, the expressions on my face, my weight, my interests... But one thing that remains constant in all these photos, is friends.... I am happiest when I am with my friends.

You want to know something else? I was quite a witty little shit... I used to write and say the darndest things... really... some of the stuff I have read is really quite interesting.... Now I think of how I talk on a daily basis... at school.. and it's so polite and general.... I've lost my wit! Although, finding it at school might not allow me to keep my job for very long... hehehe

Though I have everything in my life now that I have ever wanted... I'd really love to go back in time (every now and then) to just feel the emotions I felt then...to really remember what it was like... I'd like to be able to open up to a photo and just jump right in...

Ya know, I was pretty cute back in the day... I had a wild sense of fashion... and I am soooo glad that no one ever tried to stop me... Because it really was a way for me to express who I was a how I felt... A few of the letters I read in my books, talked about my "phases" and my "fashion". One girl write that she hates that I make my own clothes and that I have so many cool clothes becasue she was jealous... Another listed all my "phases"... and there have been MANY! I still go through "phases" but I wouldn't change it for the world, because I have kept a tiny part of everyone of those "phases" and combined, they have made me the person I am today... Someone I am quite happy to be... Most of the time...

There are a few things I'd like to alter about myself... for the better of course... but the strange thing is, all the things I want are the things I already have... They're just hiding inside...

I have met so many interesting people and made the best friends a person could ever ask for... I guess you go through phases with yor friendship cirlces as well... But when you get to this age... Those phases are very few and far between... My current friends are amazing! Everyone of them makes me feel all warm inside just thinking about them... They all have their own little beauties...

Family... Where can I start... My life with my family just seems so differnt to my life with my friends... I love my family to bits... All 4 of them... Each one has it's strengths and weaknesses...

The family member that I have been with the longest, is of course my Mum... Above all else, she was always there. If you can imagine life being like a big Mum pool, my Mum was always carrying me above her head to make sure I didn't get dirty or sink into the mud. Even when she was tired... She'd carry me everywhere. The rest of my family have also given me sooo much... I was just thinking, how do you ever show your gratitude for family? How will I ever say thank you enough? I think family is just one of those things that you have and are thanksful for and the only way you can be truly grateful is to accept the unconditional love, care and then raise a family of your own and pass it on. Ellianah is going to have an amazing life, if mine is anything to go by. I will pass on all the experiences and opportunities I had and make them even bigger and brighter... I only hope that through all her wild teenage years, that when she get to the end, she will be able to remove all bias and look back and just see how lucky she is.

I'm not sure if I want to re-read what I have written... I don't even know if the entire thing makes sense... But I know it's pretty deep and I think I will leave it here..

I know people say that you shouldn't have regrets... and I know that I don't have many... but the ones that I do have... Guess what they are to do with...? Friends... Every few years in my life, I make a big fuck up and hurt a really good friend... Each time though, I haven't done it intentionally, but in taking the blame fully, I will say that it was my fault in the end... Either I wasn't strong enough inside to keep mysle from doing what I knew was wrong, or I was so busy with myself, that I didn't see I was hurting someone else. But here's something else VERY interesting... Of all the good friends I have hurt, I have only been hurt by one friend... But that friend hurt me a few times... I know she didn't mean it... but I can see that she was behaving just like me.. She didn't realise what she was doing... and being able to see that has made it easy to forgive and forget... If I ever saw her, I'd still give her a hug and talk about the good times.

For one reason or another these people deserve a mention... I'm not sure how you remember the past or how I came across to you, but I hope that you can understand that the mistake I made with you, was a reflection of me... Not you...

Renée, Heidi, Sarah, Manda, Casey, Alana, Lyndal, Jodie, Dad (Tony, Dad, (Dave), Jamie, Adam, Ellianah... (Different times, different places and circumstances and sometimes I haven't even seen or realised what happened... For some, I still don't know)

Somwhere along this crazy journey, our paths have crossed and I kicked up a bit of dirt... Some of which may have landed in your eye... and for that.. I am sorry.... If it's any consolation... I have never forgotten what I did... and I think that's a sign that I will never forget or forgive myself.

I generally have extremely high expectations of myself... and what I let myself down, I never forget... and unfortunately... When things are though, I use these things against myself.

I think I had better go...

But before I do... One last thing... Did you know that I used to be an awesome singer... ? Now... I just suck. But looking back... so many people were so sure that I was going to be a super star... I wonder if you ever get those things/feelings/thoughts back... the promise of great things. ?

Peace Out!

Née x x x